Monthly Archives: January 2012

Chapter 14: Silent Bob’s Side-kick

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I joined match.com. Yup. Not sure yet if it is actually going to help me find a real boyfriend or if it is going to help me find more chapters for this blog. This week’s date turned out to be the latter.

I, being perpetually intrigued with humans in general, decided to take things a step further with a guy who seemed pretty cute in his profile photos. Longish hair, a cute dog, and an RV in which he had traveled the country for three years. He is now settled in a house but I was, of course, curious about him and his travels.

Initial meeting was a little awkward…he was cute, but his hair had grown several inches since the photos on match.com. I secretly wondered if he was growing it out for Locks of Love. I also secretly felt like I was sitting across the table from Jay from Mallrats.

Ten minutes into dinner, he says, (entirely unrelated to our conversation) “Yeah…so I totally believe in aliens.” And, not missing a beat, takes another bite of his sandwich. Apparently, I come to discover, he believes specifically in the blue 6-armed variety. I do not have much experience in this area, but he assures me that they do exist. And not to worry…but some aliens actually look just like us humans and you really can’t tell the difference at all. “I mean, damn, I could be an alien and you would never even know!” And smiling, takes another bite of his sandwich.

Fascinating. His RVing stories are good. He doesn’t really have job so to speak of, but he does recycle vegetable oil for money. Then I got the full run-down as he excitedly tells me his converted truck could go for 4,000 miles without having to stop for more vegetable oil.  He recommends I look into converting my Volvo. Apparently this is good if you are trying to outrun blue aliens.

“I’m a sucker for pot, too.” I smile at his lack of transition sentences and the addition of ‘too’ which implies that we had been talking about something remotely similar in the sentence before. He proceeds to give me plenty of details including how once he gets started it is ‘like waaaaaay hard for him to stop’. Super.

After dinner we are having a drink at another bar. Jay says: “So…I have to tell you this….since you’re pretty dressed up and all… (I had on jeans and a sweater)…this is the ‘most fanciest’ outfit I have. The rest of my clothes are real casual. I hope you don’t have a problem with that.” His attire consisted of a trench coat, hiking boots, long underwear shirt, Amsterdam t-shirt, and camouflage pants. I smile and say that I like camouflage. Aliens are so confused by it.

The pinnacle of our date was a first and hopefully a last for me. He tells me from across his captain and coke that he is a two-time felon. Once for failing to testify in a murder trial and once for inflicting serious bodily injury with his car. (Apparently people really do drive through human chains. I never knew that.) He looks at me and smiles. “Damn. Most people get all freaked about that. You didn’t even flinch. We are gonna get along great.”

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