Sometimes I forget that I’m getting older. Unfortunately along with that fact comes the need to ‘up the age’ of boys that I think are attractive. Case in point when I recently encountered a very cute guy and his father who were in town for the weekend from Louisiana. The son, Kevin, was considering attending grad school here, which logically made him a few years younger than me. In hindsight, it was too bad that I never really totaled up the exact span of 365 day increments that divided his birthday from my own.
I, of course, was happy to accept their offer to meet them out for drinks later that evening. I exchanged phone numbers with the father at his request (which could have been my first clue that this would get very interesting later on). That night, I arrive at the set location and am greeted by the dad saying, “Oh….you didn’t bring anyone for Kevin!?” My initial reaction was to laugh, but I quickly saw by the expression on his face that the question was completely serious.
I wish now that I would have had a video of the entire evening’s events. From what I felt, it mainly consisted of me trying to woo Kevin from across the table while his father was playing the offensive trying to woo me from where he sat to my right. I inched away from the dad several times as I unbelievably felt his leg pressing against mine as he tried to steal my attention that was directed at his gorgeous offspring.
The dad told of his beautiful home (complete with show-and-tell photos on his iphone of tropical plants and an indoor waterfall), his love of travel (after I mentioned to the son I studied abroad), his 500 bottle wine cellar (after I ordered a glass of wine) and his knowledge of French culture (after I stated that I had been there a few years back). All of the dad’s comments didn’t phase me much and certainly didn’t stray me from the idea that I might one day be dating his son. My eyes gazed into Kevin’s as I hoped he was feeling the same way.
But then….Shock and Awe. Daddy excuses himself to go to the restroom…and I am in no way prepared for what is about to happen. Cutie Kevin wastes no time and begins his soliloquy singing the praises of his father and highlighting ways in which his dad would make such a “great catch” for someone like me. My mouth must have been gaping open. Kevin tells me what a wonderful family man he is, how I wouldn’t ever have to worry about money, how humble he is, how attractive he is and ending by pointing out that we have so much in common already. This boy, who just 30 seconds before I had been picturing hiking with our dog on a camping trip in Yosemite, was now more excited than he had been all night as he was pimping out his DAD!?
I am silent and utterly speechless as the father returns to our table. He turns to me and says, “You know…I’m taking Kevin on a trip to Belize this winter and I was thinking it would be so wonderful if you would join us. Kevin, what do you think?” “Dad! What a great idea! Yeah, you should come with us!! You and Dad can hit up the museums while I hit up the ladies at the bars! Don’t worry about the money…you would pay her way, right Dad?” This was a point when I was actually looking around for a hidden camera to pop out from behind a plant or something and everyone would laugh and then I would be on reality tv. But that didn’t happen. And I was suddenly sad that this actually was my own reality show that I was staring in tonight.
In then end, I figured out that I was 9 years older than the son (which is, admittedly, bordering on creepy) and 22 years younger than the dad and 2 years younger than his oldest daughter. I think I’ll pass on the family trip to Belize this time. And I’ll also pass on attempting to date a guy whose match-making attempts will inevitably end up with a result like this: