Monthly Archives: November 2011

Chapter 13: Don’t Mind if I Do…


Ed Helms? The Office? The Hangover? Well…I went out with a guy who could have been the dentist’s twin brother.  He was pretty cute. He was funny and could talk with about anyone for about 10 minutes. But that’s about all he could handle before I felt like his brain was literally empty of all thoughts. It was a kinda odd thing to witness…I think if I could have read his mind it would have been something like, “Well…that’s all I’ve got. Let’s make out.”

We went from dinner (during which The Dentist authoritatively instructed the server to split the check, even after I had ordered at $4 side salad and a $5 glass of wine) to a neighborhood bar. He went to the restroom while I ordered drinks and left my debit card at the bar. We talked about nothing for the first round. I had downed my glass while I listened to The Dentist tell me about this ‘totally hot’ Asian girl that he had been dating last month. He went to the bar and returned with 2 more drinks. Luckily it was getting pretty loud there, so I was having a hard time hearing him talk about nothing important or interesting at all. I sipped my cocktail while looking around at the other patrons having way more fun than I was.

The Dentist eventually got up and brought back round three of drinks…and I managed to immediately spill almost all of it when I got bumped from behind. He got me another while I was still cleaning up the mess. For seeming so cheap at dinner, I was admittedly surprised by his generosity at the bar. “Oh my gosh…you didn’t have to do that! Thanks so much for all the drinks!” His response, “Thank YOU…I’ve been putting them all on your tab!”

Got back to my house and The Dentist needed the restroom.  He walks out, stretches, and says, “Well, so do I get to see your bedroom?” I laughed. No. “Ok. Maybe later…after we do this…” and he leans in to kiss me. Aaaand, it’s time for you to go home, Romeo. What a surprise that I declined when he asked me out the following weekend. He was perhaps looking for some free alcohol and a bedroom tour and I was looking for someone who could hold up his end of a 15 minute conversation about anything besides hot ex-girlfriends.


Chapter 12: The Wedding Date


Yup. Just like the movie.  I technically haven’t ever seen this flick from 2005, (in which Debra Messing decides to have a stranger pose as her date for a wedding) but essentially I did the same thing last summer.

I was attending a wedding out of town with a “Plus 1” without a plus one to invite. Hmmm. What’s a girl to do? Craigslist, of course. So I posted an ad:

“So…a friend of mine is getting married in Cincinnati in August. I am driving in from out of state to attend. Would love to have a smart, funny and overall wonderful man to join me, as most all of my friends will be there with significant others. You: conversational, able to hold your own with a group of strangers, likeable, drama and drug-free, attractive and fun (enjoying dancing is a huge plus). Not expecting a serious anything…I would just like to have a date for the event! I am 30 years old, into health and nutrition, non-smoker, and love meeting new people and being spontaneous. Shoot me an email if you think you may be up for an adventure… ”

And my inbox started to fill up… I had 20 inquiring young gents within just a few hours. My favorite said that he would attend “for $500 but no sex.” Needless to say I didn’t respond to that one.

Mr. Wedding Date ended up to be quite an experience. He approached me after the ceremony (as I was a bridesmaid) by giving me a wink and a head nod along with something that looked like a cross between a salute and a caress of his frizzy head of hair. Apparently that was the universal we-met-on-craigslist greeting. The rest of the night only got better.  While the rest of the guys were at the bar, my companion was on the dance floor in the center of the circle of the bride and her bridal party. I quickly came to realize that my ad could have been worded more specifically. The Wedding Date wasn’t lying when he responded to my post. “Enjoyed dancing”: yes. Good at dancing: no.

In the end, one of my guy friends apparently spoke with him in the men’s room and Wedding Date revealed that I just “wasn’t his type.” And…I was very ok with that.

Chapter 11: It’s All in the Family


Sometimes I forget that I’m getting older. Unfortunately along with that fact comes the need to ‘up the age’ of boys that I think are attractive. Case in point when I recently encountered a very cute guy and his father who were in town for the weekend from Louisiana. The son, Kevin, was considering attending grad school here, which logically made him a few years younger than me. In hindsight, it was too bad that I never really totaled up the exact span of 365 day increments that divided his birthday from my own.

I, of course, was happy to accept their offer to meet them out for drinks later that evening. I exchanged phone numbers with the father at his request (which could have been my first clue that this would get very interesting later on). That night, I arrive at the set location and am greeted by the dad saying, “Oh….you didn’t bring anyone for Kevin!?”  My initial reaction was to laugh, but I quickly saw by the expression on his face that the question was completely serious.

I wish now that I would have had a video of the entire evening’s events. From what I felt, it mainly consisted of me trying to woo Kevin from across the table while his father was playing the offensive trying to woo me from where he sat to my right. I inched away from the dad several times as I unbelievably felt his leg pressing against mine as he tried to steal my attention that was directed at his gorgeous offspring.

The dad told of his beautiful home (complete with show-and-tell photos on his iphone of tropical plants and an indoor waterfall), his love of travel (after I mentioned to the son I studied abroad), his 500 bottle wine cellar (after I ordered a glass of wine) and his knowledge of French culture (after I stated that I had been there a few years back). All of the dad’s comments didn’t phase me much and certainly didn’t stray me from the idea that I might one day be dating his son. My eyes gazed into Kevin’s as I hoped he was feeling the same way.

But then….Shock and Awe. Daddy excuses himself to go to the restroom…and I am in no way prepared for what is about to happen. Cutie Kevin wastes no time and begins his soliloquy singing the praises of his father and highlighting ways in which his dad would make such a “great catch” for someone like me. My mouth must have been gaping open. Kevin tells me what a wonderful family man he is, how I wouldn’t ever have to worry about money, how humble he is, how attractive he is and ending by pointing out that we have so much in common already. This boy, who just 30 seconds before I had been picturing hiking with our dog on a camping trip in Yosemite, was now more excited than he had been all night as he was pimping out his DAD!?

I am silent and utterly speechless as the father returns to our table. He turns to me and says, “You know…I’m taking Kevin on a trip to Belize this winter and I was thinking it would be so wonderful if you would join us. Kevin, what do you think?” “Dad! What a great idea! Yeah, you should come with us!! You and Dad can hit up the museums while I hit up the ladies at the bars! Don’t worry about the money…you would pay her way, right Dad?” This was a point when I was actually looking around for a hidden camera to pop out from behind a plant or something and everyone would laugh and then I would be on reality tv. But that didn’t happen. And I was suddenly sad that this actually was my own reality show that I was staring in tonight.

In then end, I figured out that I was 9 years older than the son (which is, admittedly, bordering on creepy) and 22 years younger than the dad and 2 years younger than his oldest daughter. I think I’ll pass on the family trip to Belize this time. And I’ll also pass on attempting to date a guy whose match-making attempts will inevitably end up with a result like this: