Chapter 9: Fast Food Nation

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Out at a bar one night, my roommate points out her friend and says, “We think he’s gay but we’re not sure.” I, with a few mojitos under my belt, took the statement as a challenge to find out. He was charming, from what I remember. The end of the evening came and the mojitos made me tell my roommates that I was going to see them tomorrow as I walked away from their car and towards his. My target was most likely as surprised as my friends were. I was unphased, quite focused upon the task at hand.

The task at hand quickly fell by the wayside halfway to his house as I realized how unbelievably mad I was at those mojitos for convincing me this was a good idea. As I finally stumbled into the house, my target became very excited to show me a new tv show called The Office. He watched for what seemed like hours and laughed hilariously as I tried to keep from falling off the couch (and tried to keep the mojitos from reappearing in his living room).

I’ll spare you the details of the rest of the evening…the majority of it was spent sprawled on a fuzzy green rug in front of the commode. I’m sure I impressed the heck out of my companion. I’m also sure I had forgotten about my original goal of investigation sexuality. Mission: Not Accomplished.

The next morning I was unhappily roused from ‘passed out’ to hear him asking me about breakfast. Now, if you know anything about me at all, you know that food is something that I’m quite particular about. Not taste-wise, but nutrition-wise. Obviously my rommmates had not shared that little tidbit with this poor soul.

He leads me to his fridge and proudly opens the door to an ENTIRE stockpile of McDonalds takeout bags. The contents of each were scratched in black ink on the white greasy paper. The stench that rolled out of the open door made me want to retreat to the fuzzy green rug.

He explained the logistics of this brilliant feat.”My roommates and I go every Monday and stock for the week. We have anything you could want! Just grab a bag and stick it in the microwave. You can have more than one if you want. I’m nuking a sausage biscuit and hash browns now. We got Big Macs, McNuggets, fries, double quarter pounder with cheese, Fillet-o-Fish sandwich…” his voice went on and on as I excused myself to go the the bathroom. As I escaped down the hall I heard him yell, “You like ice cream? We have McFlurries in the freezer!!!!”

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